A: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to Lawson Arena for what promises to be a night of high drama. Isn’t that right, Gary?
B: It certainly is, Steve. You could hear a pin drop in here. The tension could, quite literally, be cut with a butter knife. It’s not every day you see a match like this: The Drover’s Wife against the Black Snake.
A: On paper, obviously, the Black Snake is the one to beat. The statistics don’t lie, and the Black Snake is Australia’s largest venomous reptile, growing up to two and a half metres in length. But while his venom is dangerous, he has never been known to kill an adult, which is something of an advantage to the other team I think, Gary.
B: Obviously, at the end of the day, you’re quite right, Steve. The statistics speak for themselves. But we have to bear in mind that though the Drover’s Wife is fielding five players, four of those are, in fact, children, and the black snake has, in fact, been known to kill children. That has to be preying on the mind of the captain tonight. And as we all know, the final score is the only statistic that matters.
A: Sorry to interrupt you there, Gary, but there’s some movement on the field. And as the match begins, just a word of thanks to the groundskeepers. Bush all around – bush with no horizon. The country is flat. No undergrowth. Perfect playing conditions and a real tribute to the staff here.
B: It appears, yes – the players are in standard playground formation, while the captain, the Drover’s Wife, watches from the kitchen. Oh, and is that...? Yes, here he comes.
A: It’s the Black Snake! And he’s moving forward quickly, confusing the defence. Number 7, that’s little Tommy, is calling for the captain.
B: And here she is! Can you hear that crowd? It’s do or die time.
A: She’s reaching for a stick... Little Tommy is in reserve... The snake is...
B: It’s Alligator! There he is, on the snake, in a real game-saving tackle.
A: The snake is pulling back... Great effort there from the dog. He’ll be having some pig ears tonight for a treat, no doubt. If he survives, that is. Anyway, the snake will have to turn it up a notch, now. What’s this… Oh! Alligator is closing in on the snake! The crowd are on their feet. They think it’s all over!
B: But Little Tommy’s bringing down his club on Alligator, and the snake is away, under the house. It ain’t over till it’s over, that’s for sure. Alligator took that one for the team, but the captain of the Drover’s Wife would have to be disappointed with Tommy there, Steve.
A: Oh yes. In fact she is pulling the team inside. Little Tommy is protesting, but to no avail.
B: There is no I in team, Steve.
A: And there’s no I in snake either, Gary.
B: Very true. Very true. And while we await the next exciting development in the match, it’s time for a quick word from our sponsors.
Woman: Come on darling! It’s three o’clock. Time to visit my mother.
Man: Fair dinkum!
Woman: And after that you promised you’d go clothes shopping with me, remember?
Woman: Then there’s dinner with Linda and Gary, my two vegan friends, from England. I’m sure you’ll have lots to talk about.
Man: My oath! It’s going to take nerves of steel to get through today. I need a Steelman’s! [Glug, glug, glug]
Woman: Are you ready, darling?
Man: Ready? The footy’s on, there’s a slab of Steelman’s in the fridge. I’m not going anywhere.
Woman: But what about mum, and the shopping, and Linda and Gary?
Man: Well then darl, you had better steel yourself for a disappointment. Now get me another beer!
Woman: Oh, Norm! [giggles]
Narrator: Remember, women want a real man, and that means a Steelman. Drink Steelman’s.
A: I don’t know about you, Gary, but when I’m not watching sports there’s nothing I like better than to have a nice cold Steelman’s.
B: I’m the same, Steve-o. And there’s nothing like a Steelman’s, the beer that puts steel into your backbone. And now back to the action. As the two teams regroup, the bad weather we’ve been dreading all day closes in. As the rain falls, now might be a good time to look at the Drover’s Wife’s last five matches, Steve.
A: Certainly, Gary. Well, the Drover’s Wife started off the season with a convincing victory against the Wollongong Bullocks.
B: Yes, she really brought her A-game for that one. The Drover’s Wife literally murdered the Bullocks on the field that day. Then she faced the Wagga Wagga Crows, and well, let’s just say those two teams don’t like each other.
A: That is literally not an understatement, Gary. Against the Crows, it was certainly a game of two halves, but in the end, the Drover’s Wife prevailed. It hasn’t gone all her way this season, though, with two draws – one with the Sydney Sundowners, and another with the Adelaide Swagmen, and I imagine those results must be on her mind tonight, as she sits and waits for the snake’s next move.
B: She is certainly giving 110% as she sits there reading... What is that, Steve? Sports Illustrated?
A: Actually, I believe it’s the Young Ladies Journal, Gary.
B: She needs to stay focussed. The Black Snake has a lot of character, and I have a feeling tonight could be a real Cinderella story.
A: That remains to be seen, Gary, here, at Lawson Arena, as the clock slowly runs down. I think the snake has to step things up to the next level. Neither team will be happy with a draw tonight.
B: You mean this morning, Steve. The sun will be up in a few minutes, and with it the referee’s whistle. I think this... Wait... Yes. Yes! The snake is coming out from under the floor.
A: Look at that dog, just look at him.
B: The snake is out – he’s advancing, but Alligator and the Drover’s Wife are on him. It’s do or die right here.
B: He’s got the snake! Alligator has the – and here comes the stick!
A: That snake is on fire!
B: Yes, he’s giving it all he’s got.
A: No, I mean he is literally on fire! The snake is in the fire, and the crowd are on their feet!
B: And here is little Tommy, celebrating with his captain. I don’t know what he is saying to her, but they are both crying.
A: One thing’s for sure. The best team won today, Gary.
B: It was obviously a great effort, Steve. I admit, I thought the Drover’s Wife was out for the count, but they literally came back from the dead.
A: They certainly did, Gary. That’s all from Lawson Stadium for tonight. Please join us tomorrow for what promises to be the grudge match to end all grudge matches – that’s Squeaker versus his Mate. Don’t miss it!