“Long day?” he said, finally.
I nodded. “Thora and Eddie have been having sex.”
“Oh, my God,” he said.
“And then with John and the heart attack. He has a fiancé. Didn’t know about that either.”
“Mandy,” he said, as though saying my name were a way of caressing me.
“I just feel like such a fool.”
“You’re not.”
“But how is it that I don’t know anybody—that everybody is in love and nobody wants to tell me about it. Why is that? What’s so awful about me that everybody hides everything from me?”
“The world is a mysterious place,” he said. That was one thing about Lenny. He was incredibly sweet, but he was often prone to repeating maxims at inappropriate moments, when they didn’t apply to the situation at all. It made one feel rather desperately alone.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“About what?”
“About Eddie?”
“Well, I don’t think he’s coming back, so I don’t think there really is anything to do.”
I hesitated. Part of me wanted to tell him about the disability office that morning, but another part of me wanted to hide it, just hide it forever so that it was like it hadn’t happened. And marrying him. He had a good job.
“I don’t think I can marry you, Lenny,” I said. He was silent and I was silent and I couldn’t believe what I’d said. “It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that for tonight, I’m not able to answer questions like that. Is that okay?”
I knew I was throwing it away. But I also knew that at that moment I wanted to marry him for the money more than I wanted to marry him for him, and it scared me so badly that there wasn’t anything to do but say no.
He sighed. “Will you at least try on the ring?”
I let him slide the ring onto my skinny finger. I couldn’t help but feel it wasn’t the right ring. No girl really likes pear cut diamonds. I don’t know why they make them—perhaps there are simply asymmetrical diamond bits that they have to do something with. And yellow gold, which always has seemed to me a little tacky in an engagement ring. Gold just doesn’t look as nice with diamonds. But he made me wear it while we went to get burgers.
Really we did have fun at the burger joint. He stuck straws under his lip and pretended to be a walrus and he kept his left hand on my knee under the table, even as we ate. I wished I had met him when I was young—when he would have impressed me more. When I would have been able to let him fill me with delight.
“I’ve been thinking we should take Thora to Disney Land before she gets too old for it,” he said.
“I don’t think now is really the time for treats,” I said.
“I guess you’re right. Still, some family bonding might be good. Not that I’m really part of the family.” He sucked the last of his soda up through the straw.
He was so hurt. But for some reason it annoyed me. It was like having to hug Sarah at the hospital. The demands the world was making were too much, were ridiculous almost.
“I don’t know what to say, Lenny,” I said.
“Just say you love me,” he said.
But I couldn’t say it. So I said, “You know I do.”
I nodded. “Thora and Eddie have been having sex.”
“Oh, my God,” he said.
“And then with John and the heart attack. He has a fiancé. Didn’t know about that either.”
“Mandy,” he said, as though saying my name were a way of caressing me.
“I just feel like such a fool.”
“You’re not.”
“But how is it that I don’t know anybody—that everybody is in love and nobody wants to tell me about it. Why is that? What’s so awful about me that everybody hides everything from me?”
“The world is a mysterious place,” he said. That was one thing about Lenny. He was incredibly sweet, but he was often prone to repeating maxims at inappropriate moments, when they didn’t apply to the situation at all. It made one feel rather desperately alone.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“About what?”
“About Eddie?”
“Well, I don’t think he’s coming back, so I don’t think there really is anything to do.”
I hesitated. Part of me wanted to tell him about the disability office that morning, but another part of me wanted to hide it, just hide it forever so that it was like it hadn’t happened. And marrying him. He had a good job.
“I don’t think I can marry you, Lenny,” I said. He was silent and I was silent and I couldn’t believe what I’d said. “It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that for tonight, I’m not able to answer questions like that. Is that okay?”
I knew I was throwing it away. But I also knew that at that moment I wanted to marry him for the money more than I wanted to marry him for him, and it scared me so badly that there wasn’t anything to do but say no.
He sighed. “Will you at least try on the ring?”
I let him slide the ring onto my skinny finger. I couldn’t help but feel it wasn’t the right ring. No girl really likes pear cut diamonds. I don’t know why they make them—perhaps there are simply asymmetrical diamond bits that they have to do something with. And yellow gold, which always has seemed to me a little tacky in an engagement ring. Gold just doesn’t look as nice with diamonds. But he made me wear it while we went to get burgers.
Really we did have fun at the burger joint. He stuck straws under his lip and pretended to be a walrus and he kept his left hand on my knee under the table, even as we ate. I wished I had met him when I was young—when he would have impressed me more. When I would have been able to let him fill me with delight.
“I’ve been thinking we should take Thora to Disney Land before she gets too old for it,” he said.
“I don’t think now is really the time for treats,” I said.
“I guess you’re right. Still, some family bonding might be good. Not that I’m really part of the family.” He sucked the last of his soda up through the straw.
He was so hurt. But for some reason it annoyed me. It was like having to hug Sarah at the hospital. The demands the world was making were too much, were ridiculous almost.
“I don’t know what to say, Lenny,” I said.
“Just say you love me,” he said.
But I couldn’t say it. So I said, “You know I do.”
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I just want you to know that I love this story. It's heartbreaking but very real. Each character has something amazing to say, and John's meditation journey touched me so much. It meant a lot. Anyway. Thank you for writing this.
Posted by: Melinda Stein | 01/10/2010 at 08:37 AM